[SassySet]

Check this out!

1 I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4 Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5 The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6 We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
7 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
8 Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
9 Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
10 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
11 We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
12 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
13 War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
14 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
15 Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
16 Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
17 Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
18 My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
19 The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
20 Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
21 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
22 Fighting for peace is like fucuking for virginity.
23 If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
24 A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
25 To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
26 If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
27 If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
28 Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
29 How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
30 Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
31 Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
32 I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
33 Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
34 A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
35 A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36 I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
37 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?
38 I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
39 I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
40 The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
41 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
42 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
43 Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
44 Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
45 A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
46 Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
47 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
48 The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
49 Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
50 Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
51 You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
52 Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
53 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
54 Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
55 Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
56 Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
57 Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
58 It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
59 He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
60 We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
61 My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
62 A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
63 Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
64 Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
65 My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
66 I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
67 When in doubt, mumble.
68 I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
69 Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
70 Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
71 I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
72 A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
73 I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
74 Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
75 Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
76 Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
77 I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
78 There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
79 I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
80 I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
81 Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
82 I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
83 When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
84 You're never too old to learn something stupid.
85 You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
86 Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
87 With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
88 To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
89 A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
90 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
91 Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
92 A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
93 If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
94 Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
95 Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
96 Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
97 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
98 If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
99 Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
100 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

[emo_cow]

This must be the wittiest quotes I've ever read in a long time. You rock.

[icyfawkes]

lmaoooo

some are srsly good stuff

nice share

[mojomeng]

Horatio like this thread.

Yeahhh

[Kal-el]

10/10

[BSG]

6/10

[Akmal47]

:thumbs: :thumbs: nais share

[Akmal47]

3 I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

really caught me....lol

[peewee]

+1 :cool2:

[happyfamily]

Quote

74 Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

this is nice mang

[Pepper]

good lanjiao is good

[Kai27]

I Loled

[SassySet]

+1 if you rike it :)

[bleed]

Luke (my floor name yo :awsm:) gives u +1

[SassySet]

bleed, on 30 April 2010 - 09:07 PM, said:

Luke (my floor name yo :awsm:) gives u +1

hye thar skywalker
i can sense the lulz is strong in you :giggle:

[bugpakoo]

lol at this :lol:


"90 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!"

[SassySet]

100 A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

as a desktop tech support, i agree with this

[ιяυfυѕнι]

:awsm:

some of em really made me rofl.

[SassySet]

7 Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

in that case i'd rather hook up with either a girl or a tranny -_-

[myVelouria]

21 If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... :lol: